When you're morally against your own paraphilias
When you have paraphilias for things that you're morally against, that just don't align with your beliefs or who you are as a person, it can be utterly crushing. You might feel like your body is betraying you or that you're somehow corrupted on the inside. I used to feel like I was a wolf in sheep's clothing; like I was lying to everyone about being "good" when I was actually "bad." It devastated me.
If you feel like this, you aren't alone. It's going to be okay. Breathe.
Society has built up ideas about what is "right" and "wrong" to be attracted to. These ideas are ingrained into us at a young age and reinforced over and over. We absorb the opinions of notable people around us (peers, caregivers, abusers, etc.) until they become that little voice in the back of our head, praising or criticizing the things we do. On top of that, sexuality is heavily stigmatized in many cultures. Even if we're not a part of those cultures, we see it. We see how people treat sexual attraction as if it's something gross, problematic, or sinful.
If someone is sexually attracted to what they grew up being taught is the "wrong" thing, they feel ashamed. That lifetime of trained disgust rears its head. We judge ourselves like how we think our worst critic would judge us. Negative thoughts flood our minds -- "I'm a monster, I'm a pervert, I'm a horrible person." But this is the shame and stigma speaking.
In reality, arousal and attraction are inherently neutral. They are not a choice! Experiencing attraction or arousal doesn't actually say anything about who you are as a person. It says nothing about the opinions you have or choices you will make. Actually, it doesn't even say whether you like something, because humans aren't perfect machines. Sometimes we get aroused by things we dislike or for seemingly no reason at all! Sometimes we're attracted to things that we're also repulsed by!
Studies have shown that it's actually incredibly common to have sexual thoughts or fantasies about things you're morally against. In one study of over a thousand adults, 28.9% of women and 30.7% of men fantasized about being raped, while 10.8% of women and 22% of men fantasized about being a rapist.1 Dark, taboo thoughts like these are so common...and they don't say anything about how you view these things in real life. Sexual arousal and masturbation doesn't change that. Having a paraphilia doesn't change that.
The most important thing to take away from this is that you are NOT a bad person for having paraphilias that go against your own morals. You aren't a liar. You aren't a hypocrite. And you certainly aren't alone. 🫂
Further reading:
- The psychology of disgust
- Why stigma makes sense (even though it's not right)
- How rare are rape and bondage fantasies?
References
- https://doi.org/10.1111/jsm.12734