Why am I aroused by things that upset me?
You can have paraphilias for things you don't like; things you find disgusting or disturbing or frightening. When I talk to folks about this, the ones who experience it nod their heads in agreement but the ones who don't are often perplexed. How can you be aroused by something that distresses you?
There's actually a surprising amount of similarities between stress, fear, and sexual arousal. Your heart begins to race, your stomach feels like it's full of butterflies, your breath quickens, palms sweat, and your focus narrows...but is that because you saw you something you don't like or something you do like? All of these physical symptoms are the result of your body's limbic system releasing a flood of stress hormones.1 Along with those hormones are endorphins, chemicals that increase pleasurable feelings, relieve pain, and reduce stress. Much of these same regions in the brain that mediate your response to fear and stress are also in charge of sexual arousal!1
This release of endorphins may be one of the reasons behind why so many people love horror films, rollercoasters, and haunted houses.2 Our stress response is triggered, but the logical parts of our brain know that we're safe. You know that the axe-wielding clown chasing you through a haunted cornmaze attraction isn't an actual axe-wielding clown, but that doesn't stop you from running and screaming. The negative symptoms of the stress response meld away, leaving behind elevated levels of pleasurable endorphins.
There's no single, agreed-upon cause of paraphilias, but it's likely that the same inner-happenings are at play when it comes to upsetting paraphilias. It's very possible that the distress and pleasure become linked over time, causing someone to feel simultaneously drawn to and repulsed by their paraphilia.
References
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-embodied-mind/201301/sexual-attraction-and-survival-mode
- https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-psychology-of-roller-coasters/