Relearning consent as a paraphile
Consent is so much more than just "no means no." It's so much more than just sex. A lot of us aren't taught this when we're younger. Think about how children are treated by society. As kids, we have little control over what happens to us. It's very easy to internalize the idea that our choices don't matter; that others know what's best for us. If you experience abuse in your childhood, that can make it even more difficult.
Growing up, I never had the option to give consent. Saying "no" was never listened to and often resulted in even more unpleasant experiences. Eventually, "no" left my vocabulary. When I started having sexual thoughts, much like in my real life, consent just wasn't there. Even when I learned about my right to give/withdraw consent and that I should be able to say no when I don't want something, it all felt so foreign and uncomfortable.
I don't speak for everyone with paraphilias but, at least in my case, I recognize that my relationship with consent is strained. I think it can be that way for a lot of people. That's why I put together these resources.
Even if you feel like you already know everything there is to know about consent, there's no harm in refreshing your knowledge!
What is consent?
Consent means to give permission to do something, with a clear understanding of what that entails, and without feeling pressured.
We often talk about consent in the context of sex, but consent applies to so much more. You have the fundamental right to say "no" to anything someone asks you to do. Why? Because your body is yours and not anyone else's!
If someone wants to do something to you (or have you do something to them), your consent is needed at all times. That includes hand holding, hugs, kisses, who you date, what clothes you wear, what food and drinks you consume, and of course any kind of sexual activity. Consent is necessary for anything that involves someone else doing something to you or making you do something. It's necessary the other way around too!
F.R.I.E.S.
FRIES is a popular acronym that describes consent. Consent is freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific.
Freely given: Consent is a choice. It is not pressured, manipulated, or coerced.
Reversible: Consent can be revoked at any time. Someone should always have the option to say "no" even if they've already said "yes." If you don't have the ability to revoke your permission, it is no longer consent.
Informed: All folks involved are fully informed on what they're consenting to. To their knowledge, everyone is aware of any possible risks (such as injury, pregnancy, STI, etc.).
Enthusiastic: Giving consent means it's something you want. It's not something that someone else wants from you. Giving in to pressure or expectation is not consent. Consent should also be clear! If you don't know if someone is consenting to you or not, it is *not* consent. Consent should never be assumed.
Specific: When someone consents to something, they are not consenting to anything extra or beyond what was specified. You should never assume someone is consenting to more than what was already established!
Myths about consent
Myth #1: If someone is aroused, that means they're consenting.
Arousal does not equal consent! Arousal is a physiological response that can't be controlled. It isn't a choice. Sometimes it happens for seemingly no reason at all! This is why someone can be both aroused and not interested in sex. Arousal, wetness, and/or erections should never be taken as a blanket sign of consent.
Myth #2: If someone doesn't stop the other person, that means they're consenting.
This is not consent; this is the assumption of consent! The majority of rape survivors do not attempt to stop or fight against their rapist. There are an infinite amount of reasons why someone wouldn't stop someone else who's hurting them. They could feel pressured or like they *have* to do it. They could be afraid to stop it. They could not know *how* to stop it. They could be physically unable to. They could be experiencing 'tonic immobility'. The list goes on.
Myth #3: Consent can be inferred through body language.
Body language is important aspect of consent, but it should never be solely relied on. Someone might say "yes" to sex but if they're clearly not enthusiastic about it, they might be feeling pressured. Pay attention to your partner. If their eyes are downcast, their mind seems to be somewhere else, they're acting unusual, seeming upset or quiet, they're tensing up...they might've said "yes" when what they're really thinking is "no." Make a point to check in with them.