Exercises to improve your self-control

Self-control is one of those things we don't really think about. We just know that there are things we shouldn't do. Something I've been struggling with recently is spending too much on sweets. I know that I need to save money but, when I pass by the bakery and see all of the delicious treats on display, I just can't help myself. Only after I've bought them and had my fill do I hang my head and sigh. "Why did I do that? I told myself I wouldn't..."

Some people think that self-control is innate, something you either have or don't, but it's not like that at all! It's a skill that waxes and wanes over time. With practice, it gets stronger. Self-control is also influenced by other factors such as how much energy you have, stress, and anxiety. Learning to recognize these things makes it easier to manage!

If you have paraphilias that can potentially put you or others into unsafe or unwanted situations, improving self-control can be immensely helpful. It can also be helpful if you keep spending too much on sweets! Let's try and get better at this together. 🫂

Starting small

Suddenly piling a bunch of expectations onto yourself can quickly become overwhelming and demotivating. So, let's start small.

Identify one thing that you can improve by adding limits. Think about what your ideal goal would be. Maybe you want to reduce the time you spend online, or maybe you want to stop looking at violent porn? Think about one small step you can take towards that goal. It can be helpful to write out a list of possible steps and then pick one to start with. If you're able to, ask a trusted person for some suggestions!

My goal: Spend less on sweets.
Steps I can take to move towards that goal: 1. Write a reminder to myself to not buy sweets before I go shopping.
2. Give myself a limit of 1 sweet per week.
3. Set a budget for myself before I go shopping.
The step I'll try out: Set a budget for myself before I go shopping.

Now's the part to put your step into action. If it works out, great! If it doesn't, we can change things.

Let's say setting a budget for myself didn't help me. I might adjust my budget to be slightly bigger and try again. Or, I might ask a loved one to come with me to the store and hold me accountable for shopping within my budget. Or, perhaps this step just doesn't work for me at all so I may try a different one out. If the others don't work, I can modify them as well, or brainstorm new steps to try out.

Any step you take, no matter how small, is meaningful.

Managing triggers

Unwanted behaviours have triggers. The trigger leads to an urge which, if you don't have much self-control, can lead to the behaviour. If you can identify those triggers, you can learn to manage them. Managing triggers will make it easier for you to build your self-control and protect yourself from unwanted behaviours.

My unwanted behaviour is spending too much on sweets. What triggers my urge to buy sweets? Stress is a big one. When I'm stressed out, I get a craving for tasty, comforting foods. Walking past the bakery and seeing the desserts on display is also a trigger for me. Shopping while I'm on an empty stomach gives me urges, too. I'm more likely to give in to my urges and buy lots of sweets when I face these triggers.

Part of you might want to find ways to completely avoid your triggers. Unfortunately, this isn't always possible. My local grocery store has a bakery at the entrance. Unless I go shopping elsewhere, which isn't particularly ideal, walking past the bakery is unavoidable. Even if you try very hard to avoid your triggers, you might still accidentally stumble upon them. That's why it's important to develop coping skills for what to do when you're in those moments.

So, imagine you've come face-to-face with your trigger. Think of something you can do to help you cope with it in the moment. What can you do instead of your unwanted behaviour?

My unwanted behaviour: Buying sweets.
Things that trigger my urge to do it: 1. Stress.
2. Walking past the bakery.
3. Shopping while I'm hungry.
What I can do instead, when facing my triggers: 1. Practice meditation.
2. Don't look at the bakery when I walk by.
3. Buy a healthy snack instead of a sweet.

Reparenting

I believe that one of the best ways to improve self-control is through reparenting yourself. Reparenting is essentially becoming your own inner parent to your inner child; it's when you give yourself what you didn't receive as a child. A lot of us didn't get loving, age-appropriate discipline from our caregivers when we were children. We weren't taught how to set boundaries with ourselves or others, or how to even recognize those boundaries. With reparenting, it's never too late to give yourself a happy childhood.

Note: If the idea of being an "inner parent" or having an "inner child" doesn't work for you or triggers unwanted feelings, you can leave that part out or adjust it to something else. Some alternatives can include being a penpal, a friend, a teacher, or a guardian.